An Unhealthy Obsession

I'm writing this to you after a good four- to five-hour internal pity party.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the "stink spirit" from Spirited Away. I walk around with all kinds of grimy garbage and all I need is for someone to pull out a thorn from my side so I can get rid of it all and float away. (Thanks Doug for the analogy.)

Almost exactly a year ago, I found out some pretty intense news regarding my health. After my diagnosis I had an epiphany. I wondered how I could have spent my whole life worrying about my body image when my body is so temporary. How can I complain about two perfectly mobile legs? They work just fine, regardless of their shape and size.

Let's rewind to a year ago. I couldn't feel a thing from the waist down. Nothing. I also could barely see out of my left eye. I thought to myself during that almost eight or nine months of numbness, "Man, I don't care what they look like, I just want to feel them!"

Thanks to God I'm no longer numb anywhere. You'd think I'd be happy, right?

Wrong. 


The inner, self-centered me is still focused on how I look on the outside. The past six months have not been good for my body image. Three rounds of corticosteroids (which I deeply regret), three jobs, and five classes have not done my body too much good. I complain far too often that certain things don't fit the way they used to and all that jazz.

This got me thinking; what does it mean to be"self-conscious", why do so many woman think poorly of themselves, and should I really waste energy thinking about the way we look?

The Merriam-Webster definition of "self-conscious" is "conscious of one's own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself : aware of oneself as an individual" or "intensely aware of oneself." That sounds pretty selfish to me. If I am conscious of myself at all times, how do I have any room to be conscious of others? I can't. Someone once told me that the human mind is only capable of focusing one thing at a time. It's the sad truth that about 70% of most days I am thinking of myself.

Hating myself is also evil (and selfish). If you are someone who is self-conscious, as I am, think about this for a second: you are created the way you are, height, weight, hair texture, color, etc. . .  because that is how you are supposed to be! That is how the good Lord intended it. Hating yourself is poisonous. It's what turns you into a stink spirit.

So, why do so many women hate themselves? Each person has his or her own reason, although just about any reason stems from being self-conscious. Personally, I am stuck in the past. This is not something I talk about much, but I'm doing so hoping someone finds it helpful. I was made fun of a whole friggin' lot as a kid. Don't get me wrong. Kids will be kids. The kids who made fun of the chubby, curly-haired four-eyes weren't any more evil than I am. It's my fault for allowing myself to internalize this negativity. Adversity in this world is inevitable; it's how you respond to it that determines how you'll be. This is poisonous to me because it has permeated into my heart. I have believed it, allowed it to fester, and never taken care of it. Maybe you can relate.

Another possible reason that we women hate ourselves is the image of what we are supposed to look like that is given to us from complete strangers who are simply trying to market their product. Remember this, ladies: you are letting those strangers bully you into thinking you need to look a certain way. An extreme example was in the news recently with the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jeffries' comments on not wanting "fat" people to wear his brand. (Click the link to read more.)

I think it's funny how I don't start self-pity parties until I go shopping. I don't even have to try anything on. There are mirrors EVERYWHERE whispering "Look at yourself. Focus on you." Not to mention plenty of posters to compare yourself to. Talk about self-conscious.

Finally, the answer to  the question, "Do I really have energy to think about myself that often?" is, and should be, NO.

It takes a lot of energy to constantly be hating myself. It stresses me out, turns me into a super boring and negative friend, and stops me from getting anything productive accomplished. For the past couple weeks, I have thought that I don't want to care about my body image. And for a couple weeks, I hadn't. It was great. I could exercise and not feel like I had to weigh myself every day, I could eat a meal and not analyze every ingredient. I stopped looking at fitness inspiration pictures online. I was much happier and much more pleasant to be around. I'm pretty glad I've been home alone for the duration of this pity party because I don't want anyone to see it.

It is so easy for me to forget the positive things I've learned from my past. So, if you're one of the women (or men) who some times hates something about yourself, I hope it has helped you knowing that you are not alone and that there is hope. Take your eyes off of yourself and focus on someone else. Better yet, remember you are the way you are because you were created that way.