I Have Been Chosen

A part of scripture that God has held in my head lately is 2  Corinthians 12: 1-10. I want to make it clear that I'm writing this not to make people feel sorry. In fact, please don't. That's the all-around wrong emotion at this point. I'm writing this to show what I believe God has chosen me to show: When I am weak, God's strength will be that much more apparent. God calls us to live lives of courage, boldness, and sacrifice. I am going to allow my struggles to help me to follow that.

So, a lot has been happened over the past couple months. It seems like so much of Doug's and my life has been shaken and spinned around. I guess you could say it feels like we've been inside a blender for a while. As soon as life settles down and we think we're a decent tasting smoothie, God presses the mix button, and we're a whole new mixture. The change I'm writing about today is kind of hard for me to talk about, but I feel this is the easiest way for me to tell people.

Yesterday I had a long-awaited doctors apointment with my neurologist. We found out that I have something called relapsing/remitting multiple sclerosis. It sounds freaky, and to be honest it is a little, but it's not as bad a diagnosis as it could be. This type of MS typically comes in waves, and between attacks your body functions completely normally. The attacks can be spaced apart by years or months, it's really unpredictable. Information is all over the internet, so I'm not going to waste much time writing about what happens. All I will say is everyone is different.

For me, around the end of April my toes were numb. I thought it was my boots, so I stopped wearing them. Then I woke up one day and realized I couldn't feel my calves at all, and then I couldn't feel from my hips down. I went to the doctors but I wasn't too worried because I tend to be paranoid anyway. I told her my symptoms and she asked, "Is there anything else at all that you can think of?" I mentioned in passing that I had a weird glare in my left eye, like I had been staring at the sun. I don't even know why I told her because I literally thought nothing of it. I thought maybe because I never wear my glasses (I know, bad.) my eyes were getting tired. She said she was really glad I told her that, because that's what gave her a clue to send me to a neurologist. First she sent me for blood work to see if I had maybe a B12 deficiency from not eating meat. That was negative as well as a Lymes test. I had an evoked potential test that measures brain waves, and they found I had "optic neuritis" which explains the glare...Then came my first visit to a neurologist.

Before I write any more, the very DAY before I woke up and couldn't feel my legs I wrote a poem called "Alive" about enjoying life as it is and being content. It's a few posts back if you're interested. I know God gave me those thoughts. They really prepared me... The me from the past taught the me in the future a lesson. How cool is that?? When I realized this, it was so comforting.

My neurologist sent me for two extreeeemely long MRIs. Well, they were only one hour each, but you try sitting still for that long. It feels like an eternity. The next week I got a call from her saying that the MRIs showed lesions on my spine and brain. At this point, I felt it was sure I had MS. That's one of the tell-tale signs. Doug and I spent a lot of time praying, talking, and thinking about this. For two months we did research on treatments and everything, which I'll get to later. Next came the dreaded lumbar puncture. (ew.)

The lumbar puncture was probably one of the weirdest things I've ever felt. Thankfully it wasn't very painful and I didn't get one of the notorious post-lumbar puncture headaches. I had to spend two days lying flat, but it was worth not feeling like my head was going to explode. God really used that time to show me how much I appreciate my friends and family. I couldn't have married a better man. He helped me do just about everything those days, and didn't complain or seem aggravated at all. I got a lot of calls, kind words, and prayers from my friends, and both of our parents came to visit. My mom brought me a coffee, which is always much appreciated. We prayed with our friends at Bible study, and it was so nice that these people cared enough to spend time praying about this. It was really overwhelming.

Fast forward to yesterday, Doug and I went into my neurologists' office. She told us that everything they found: the MRI and the spinal fluid supported a diagnosis of MS, and everything else it could be was ruled out. She was so nice and answered all of our billion questions. She also offered treatment.

So how am I going to treat it? I'm changing my diet completely. After some research, I found that most of the medications offered have worse side effects than my flare-ups, anyway. From now on (except on my birthday, duh..) I will be eating no grains at all, no dairy, no legumes, no sugar, and supplimenting some other vitamins.I recommend looking up Dr. Terry Wahls on youtube. She is extremely inspirational.

Something I've learned:
 I used to be discouraged about how I look sometimes. Those short legs I've always complained about-- I should be thankful they work. My body was not designed to look good or even work the way I think it should. It was designed to serve my Savior. I can do that no matter where I am in life. This is an opportunity to connect to people that I had nothing in common with before I had this disease. I've struggled with pride through this, as well. I've always been a pretty strong person. I can give Doug a piggy-back. I used to be able to help lift people at work. This disease leaves the possibility (though it's not sure that it could happen) that some day, someone will have to lift me. It's very humbling. The person being lifted can have just as much impact as the person lifting.

I have so much to be thankful for through this. God has never left my side and he never will. I've had a lot of "Why me?" moments and moments where, dare I say it, I was tempted to be angry at God. Doug and I have had low points, and we will have more. It will be a battle, but I see this disease as an opportunity to allow God to show me that he really IS the only reason I walk. He's the reason I see. He's the only reason I exist.
Like Paul, I've asked God more than three times to take this away. He hasn't yet. It seems like God gave me the same answer that He gave Paul:  
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”



~Miranda